WrestlePro Does Funny = Money
April 3 2019
We’re in New York City (well, the Rahway in New Jersey) for the official first show of Mania weekend in the New York area. WrestlePro get to kick us off with a comedy show. Dave Sturchio and Mackenzie Mitchell on commentary.
Bobby Wayward vs. Kikutaro
They adopt the novel approach, on a comedy show, of just having a match. There’s going to be a LOT of wrestling this weekend guys. This is not the way to stand out. Kikutaro final switches it up by whipping the ref into the corner for a successful elbow smash attempt. This is followed by everyone getting kicked in the nuts and the ref is in so much pain he can’t count to three. Kikutaro’s ref involvement is good stuff and compensates for the rather pedestrian pacing of the opener. Shining Wizard finishes for Kikutaro.
Final Rating: *1/4
Promo Time: Some manager comes out here. Rambling promos from heel managers on the Indies on Mania weekend should be fucking banned. He should be hauled off and jailed. Eventually this rambling pointless promo is interrupted by Scarlett Bordeaux. “Did somebody order a massage or something” is the response from the nobody with the microphone. Oh, apparently it’s Dan Lambert. Congratulations asshole, we’re not even two shows into WrestleMania weekend and I already have a name of someone who I never, ever want to see in the wrestling business as long as I live. Fuck you.
Scarlett Bordeaux vs. Jobber
Scarlett is all fired up and murders the guy issuing the open challenge. I have no idea who he is. The heels try to beat up Scarlett but she lays them out and spears the jobber through a table. Good showing from Scarlett, plenty of fire from her. The heels were useless.
Final Rating: Squash
Pat Buck vs. Santana Jackson
Buck is cosplaying as the bad guy from a slasher movie. Jackson is cosplaying as a nonce. I am deeply uncomfortable with someone basing their gimmick on Michael Jackson knowing that he molested children. Does Funny = Money? Who knows? Does pedophilia = money? Santana Jackson is willing to bet it does! Anyway, Buck hits a Tombstone and Santana kicks out while the start of Thriller plays. It’s halfway to being a good idea but the execution is just awful. We have our second show of the weekend where the cameraman can’t even get the camera in focus. Not that I want to see this match. Buck thankfully finishes this but I cannot erase the horror of it from my mind. Santana Jackson can moonwalk the fuck out of the wrestling business. Go and cosplay pedophiles somewhere else.
Final Rating: DUD
Johnny Clash vs. Anthony Bowens vs. Jake Manning vs. Matt MacIntosh
Manning, who has a scout gimmick, brings a tent with him.
Bowens, the “five tool player” impresses early.
Jake Manning’s ability to read his scout manual while wrestling, including while selling a superkick, is great stuff. I’m a big Manning fan. His prop work is the focal point of the match and everyone else is just there for the ride. Jake throwing everyone inside his tent must be some kind of technical victory. It’s like a casket match but with tents. The good news is this puts a smile on face again after the last match. It’s all so ridiculous. Clash has some interesting ideas but they look very convoluted. Think Chris Kanyon. The tent dies in a Tower of Doom spot and Man Scout picks up the win over Clash. This got the show up and running after a horrible opening 35 minutes or so. While this was fun calling it ‘good’ would be a push. Jake Manning has some terrific ideas for comedy matches.
Final Rating: ***
Team Tremendous (Dan Barry & Bill Carr) vs. Demon Bunny (Rosemary & Allie)
Carr pulls a shooter and Rosemary puts her mouth on it. Which, I have to tell you, is borderline erotic. Carr clearly develops an emotional connection to Rosemary and can’t bring himself to chop her. “She’s a demon” argues Barry. Chivalrous Bill seems to have issues in battling women. Although he has less concerns about the cutesy Allie than the more dangerous Rosemary. Doesn’t stop him creaming her with a Bossman Slam though. He’s conflicted clearly. Carr screaming like a child when he takes the green mist is so great. It leaves Barry to eat a double team and Demon Bunny pick up the win. This was fine although rarely accomplished the big laughs than you’d expect from Team Tremendous.
Final Rating: **1/2
Bird Box Match
Shawn Donavan vs. Buster Jackson
We have resurrected the blindfold match in 2019 for reasons I don’t truly understand but here’s the swerve; the ref is also blindfolded!
If you’ve seen a blindfold match you’ve seen everything they do here, apart from the ref not being able to see anything, which originally sounded hilarious but in reality is just confusing as hell. Donavan has his blindfold pulled off and is he dead? What happens? Apparently he becomes suicidal and flip bumps into the ring. Mercifully the ref is able to locate the shoulders and count the pin. Just a reminder that blindfold matches fucking suck.
Final Rating: -**
Grim & Duhop vs. Shook Crew
This is a tag team gauntlet match. Grim is a big fat dude with a limbo gimmick. Wrestling eh? He does a Stinkface. It’s really bad. Duhop has a surfer gimmick, which is a slight improvement.
Shook Crew win with a low blow, roll up combo. Sadly this match must continue!
Shook Crew vs. The Breakfast Club
Breakfast Club do a bit with clip on ties, which is horrible. Shook Crew change one of their guys with an “in match substitution”. I’m pretty sure that’s not legal. A fluffy goat takes a Canadian Destroyer. Breakfast Club win this round. So far this match has been painfully awful.
The Breakfast Club vs. Massage Force
Massage Force use the power of massage to subdue their opponents. It’s a dumb gimmick. I’m really not sure what the Breakfast Club are aiming for in terms of gimmick. To the point where I don’t think they’ve even seen the movie. One of the Massage Force guys stiffs the hell out of people and becomes my favourite in this gauntlet. Shatter Machine puts Goggles from the Breakfast Club away. Sadly this match must continue.
Massage Force vs. Job Security
This continues to be bad. There’s a near fall in the corner where the guy doing the pin (I don’t care who he is) has real trouble deciding what to do. I went to find out who the unmasked guy is in Massage Force because he’s quite good and you do NOT want to search “Massage Force tag team” on Google unless you really want gay porn in your life. Massage Force hit Shatter Machine and advance.
Massage Force vs. Kevin Matthews & Fallah Bah
Kevin Matthews still being a wrestler is wild to me. They’re in Impact apparently. There is a definite feeling we’re into the business end of the match now and all the scrubs are gone. Not that KM & Bah are any good. Massage Force are low key the heroes of this match. They even do their trademark oil spot and have it miss and knock beard guy out. Bah finishes him off with the Vertical Splash.
Kevin Matthews & Fallah Bah vs. The Blue World Order
When I get really excited to see the Blue Meanie because it means the quality will dramatically improve there’s something wrong with your show. Meanie assaults Bah with tickling. Maybe I was wrong about the quality switch. They do a reasonably funny spot where everyone runs away instead of taking a dive from Meanie. Fallah making me smile by yelling and running clear out of the building. Bah is so far away from the ring he gets counted out. Fallah returns and he bought hot dogs. You lost!
bWo vs. Jos A & Jos B
My brother told me the Jos B joke twenty years ago and it wasn’t funny then. Nova gets his leg held by one of the Spaniards on the floor and the match is finally fucking over. Thank Christ.
Final Rating: DUD
Dan Maff vs. Swoggle
Swoggle comes after Maff like Maff goes after Homicide’s younger female relatives. They play the whole thing straight with Swoggle throwing all manner of abuse at Maff. Danny absorbs all of it with surprisingly good grace.
I'm afraid to report there has been a hate crime pic.twitter.com/78HoM3fDOM
— Arn (@ArnoldFurious) April 4, 2019
Oh. Maybe not. He then goes backstage and reemerges with a barbwire chair. They run through stuff with staple guns, kendo sticks and Legos.
Swoggle won’t stop being a prick so Maff chokes him out with a tiny little step ladder.
Final Rating: **1/2
The Heavenly Bodies vs. Colt Cabana & Santino Marella
The new Bodies are Gigolo Justin & Desirable Dustin.
The Bodies are old school heels so there’s a lot of stalling, which is precisely what you want nearly three hours into a show. It doesn’t help that they don’t have fiery babyfaces wrestling them; they have goofballs doing goofball spots. So them begging off doesn’t make a lot of sense. Santino is having a good time. At one point he forgets who’s legal and shenanigans ensue. Comedy and tag legality? It’s a juxtaposition of Rob Reid. Finally they get a laugh out of me though as Colt does the hot tag dive thing but from the one corner so he misses by about three feet. Then Killer Kross shows up to interrupt the main event, for reasons best know to himself. He beats everyone up and Joey Ryan makes the save. Kross punts him in the dick and hurts his foot. The faces end up winning thanks to Joey Ryan and this show is finally over.
Final Rating: *
You would hope this is the worst show this weekend but there’s another WrestlePro show and that’s Vs. CZW so don’t hold your breath. This barely scraped over competent at times. At other times it was downright awful. If you’re only watching the ok stuff from this show you still only have three matches to watch: four-way with Manning, Demon Bunny vs. Team Tremendous and Maff vs. Swoggle.