WrestleCon US vs. The World
April 5 2019
Status update; I just enjoyed a power nap that lasted about 60 seconds. I’m on my second can of Monster today. Typing is hard. Powering on through!
Hosts here are Excalibur and Dan Barry. We’re at the WrestleCon building wherever the fuck that is. New York somewhere.
Emil Sitoci vs. Brian Pillman Jr
Sitoci’s new nihilist gimmick bores me to tears. If you look disinterested in wrestling, why should I be interested in you? That said, Sitoci is one the best technicians in Europe. He’s so effortlessly smooth. At least here with Pillman Jr he has a babyface to work with.
Sitoci works the leg a lot and Pillman Jr does us the courtesy of selling a bit. Even up to the finish where he hits a neckbreaker for the win. He scoots across to get the pin selling the knee. Fair play. Match was fine but not in any way exciting.
Final Rating: **3/4
USA 1 World 0
MJF vs. Ethan Page
Ethan Page tries to get the fans to sing “You’re My Sunshine” and half of them can’t even sing one of the easiest songs in humanity. If you sit in the front row you have to expect interaction boys.
MJF, who is a total piece of shit, works the arm extensively while continually arguing with the crowd. The Blissbuster finishes with MJF’s feet on the ropes. This was fun but short.
Final Rating: **1/2
USA 2 World 0
David Starr vs. Daga
I love Starr getting mad at Tas being the referee. Inter-promotional antics! Starr gels really well with the lucha style of Daga and they fly through a tremendous opening exchange. Not only are the exchanges tidy and fluid but they also belt each other with the strikes. Starr leaving plenty of stink on that lariat. They certainly wake the crowd up, who at 11.30am are still sleepy, and work really hard. I felt like Starr couldn’t consistently deliver across the shows he was on because there were so many but he’s turned up to everything so far. They screw up a powerbomb/prawn hold finish and Starr has to improvise a submission finish (or did they? Maybe it’s an angle?). He’s mad at Tas again! Love it.
Final Rating: ***1/2
USA 3 World 0
Darby Allin vs. Black Taurus
Black Taurus has an absolutely badass mask. He’s also a big freaky powerhouse that looks like he dropped out of Mad Max: Beyond the Thunderdome. Two men enter, one man leaves! Taurus presents a problem for Darby because he’s bigger, stronger and unpredictable. So Darby has to be more unorthodox and some of his changes of gear in this are perfect. Taurus just carries on clubbing at him but Allin keeps it interesting. Taurus’ big palm strikes are fantastic but he’s also capable of taking stupid bumps. I kinda love him. Taurus blocks the Coffin Drop and kills Darby with a spinning Michinoku Driver. This was great.
Final Rating: ***1/2
USA 3 World 1
Jiro Kuroshio vs. Rich Swann
I’m sure there are people out here that think this will be good but that’s not my style. Swann does some flips around Jiro but anything that requires them to actually cooperate is less good.
I get interrupted in mid-match by this BULLSHIT:
look i hate posting group chats but i actually hate taff more so pic.twitter.com/UUvWEMeQ8K
— katt (@kattadachi) April 5, 2019
You don’t know who Mike Quackenbush is? Why would you take a photo with him then? Some people.
Anyway, back in the match Swann is doing fun stuff and Jiro is using the ropes a bit. It’s fine. I just don’t like either of them. They do a sequence where they kick each other in the face and neither of them sell anything. I know they’re both light and therefore it’s less likely they’ll do damage with kicks but the selling is just wildly inconsistent on everything in this match and that’s a prime example. Ikemen wins with a moonsault.
Final Rating: **1/2
USA 3 World 2
Rascalz (Wentz, Xavier & Trey Miguel) vs. Robbie Eagles, Australian Suicide & Adam Brooks
A degree of jingoism emerges here. Once they’re past that bullshit everyone does a bunch of flips. I’m eating lunch. Brooks does all manner of insane shit here. The Destroyer on the apron where he saves himself from falling head first onto the floor by hooking his feet on the ropes is incredible. It’s wall to wall insanity. I don’t even know who won. Maybe no one!
Final Rating: ****
USA 4 World 2
LAX vs. Hart Foundation
Teddy shows up with his cat. The man is legit insane.
He is wrestling heel, I think, and he goes after the fans verbally. DBS Jr had a blinder at Bloodsport and is now coasting on his new found shooter rep by hooking a shoot Ringpost Figure Four. I assume it’s a shoot because no one in their right mind would let Davey hang off their legs like that. Turns out Teddy Hart is a maverick shooter, although he always has been. Usually his version of shooting involves 630’s off the top of cages for no reason. Here he gets confused by Ortiz telling him to “suck my dick” instead of submitting. “Oh he’ll get his dick sucked tonight but he won’t like it”. What? WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? Canadian Destroyer finishes. Do you think Teddy is mad that they did a dozen Destroyers in the last match and he only did one?
Final Rating: ***
USA 4 World 3
“You will suck my dick” – Ortiz. “I’m not going to address the sucking the dick”.
Sammy Guevara vs. Puma King
“If Puma King isn’t careful Teddy Hart will come out an adopt him” – Dan Barry. They kick this off by yelling “fuck you” at each other for a while. Sammy hits a flip and lands on the chair that Teddy Hart left at ringside. “Almost died but I’m ok”. Puma King stops in mid-match to plug his YouTube channel. You can find it at “Puma King [cat noise]”.
Excalibur mentioning that Guevara “really caught him with that knee” as Puma King rolls around selling while Sammy talks on the mic for a bit has me laughing for two minutes solid. Puma King wins with a sitout powerbomb. This match was mostly antics but I was laughing for pretty much the entire match so I’m happy.
Final Rating: ***1/4
USA 4 World 4
Brian Cage vs. Masato Tanaka
Hey, fucking Shinjiro Otani is in town. I’ve already seen Tanaka wrestle twice. Mix it up guys.
doesnt matter who goes over we know who the real winner is pic.twitter.com/u9B5VAWN2o
— oat (@Oatgan) April 5, 2019
So Puma King won twice.
They start out wailing on each other a bit before Cage decides to sit in a chinlock and have a little conversation about how the match is going. That is really noticeable in modern wrestling where they don’t do rest holds. Cage does a great job of using his power to overcome the scrappy, aggressive approach of Tanaka. Some of his power spots are effortless. It’s scary. What’s also scary is Tanaka hitting a brainbuster on Cage with that size difference and Tanaka’s old limbs. Cage’s powerbombs are assorted and vicious. The Drill Claw finishes and Cage wins it for the USA! Hot take: this was the best Tanaka match of the weekend. Unless he shows up somewhere else.
Final Rating: ***3/4
Show is done in two hours flat. I love it. More of that. Some really good sprints on this. Also, did I mention it was done in two hours? WrestleCon almost apologizing for last night’s overruns.