Ohio Valley Wrestling 1013
January 14 2019
So my history with OVW is this:
- Watched an episode because I didn’t realise it still existed.
- It was terrible.
- Dared Ian Hamilton to watch it.
- He did.
- Asked for review requests in our group chat.
- Ian dared me back.
So here are. Ohio fucking Valley Wrestling.
They’ve developed a nice technique where the guy coming to the ring gets smashed into his match graphic in mid-entrance. Like we’re watching a movie or something. That’s actually super cool. Admittedly they then splice in highlights while he’s walking out here, which is just weird. Crimson points out the War Kings have qualified for the Crockett Cup. He offers up a title shot at the tag straps to anyone with the stones to step up. Which is the Kings Ransom. But then Abyss’ Army shows up too.
They’re a bunch of weirdos. Everyone looks the part, which is something OVW is good at. However all of these guys are mediocre promos. Crimson’s whole “I heard one team talking shit about the other one” is awful and the mic barely works. Anyway, the two teams fight each other.
Kings Ransom vs. Abyss’ Army
Kings Ransom are a fiery babyface duo. They could easily run a twin magic gimmick with similar hair and matching gear. Abyss’ Army are a strange entity. The two wrestlers are the mouthpiece (Crazy Steve) and the ‘jailor’. The latter, Amon, has two slaves he controls outside the ring. It looks totally weird. Like they’re running some kinky bondage dungeon deal. I’m not going to kink shame these boys but is this what they’re aiming for? Kings Ransom are very raw and the one guy is clearly the Stevie Ray of the team (Leonis Khan). He’s fucking terrible. Steve gets distracted by his own minions and Kings Ransom win.
Final Rating: *1/4
We have an ad break and come back in the middle of a women’s match. I don’t know who either of them are and they’re not announced. Luckily the match is absolutely horrible and the heel wins with chain shot. Which she then announces she used in front of the ref and gets the decision reversed. What is this? Good lord. This is the worst thing I’ve ever seen. -*****
Apparently that match happened last week and the dipshit (Kelly) gets confronted by the IT Girls leader. Anyway dipshit Kelly manages to talk herself into a title match under hilarious circumstances. The booking of the women in this promotion is a complete embarrassment.
Speaking of which; they’re still advertising wrestling training with Matt Cappotelli. The same Matt Cappotelli who died in June. Change the graphic for fuck’s sake. My god. The fact that Rip Rogers is the head trainer speaks volumes about this promotion. It explains why no one can work properly because they’re being trained by someone who sucked at wrestling. They run an angle with Tony Gunn and Adam Revolver and as a ‘brawl’ they do a bunch of sloppy stuff in the ring. Then stand around arguing from a distance because Gunn can’t leave the ring for reasons? Is the floor lava?
Video Control jumps into some rumble match.
This is Colton Cage, the TV champ. We’re told his title is going to be always defended under gauntlet rules, whatever that means.
OVW TV Championship
Colton Cage (c) vs. Five Guys in order
#1 is Dimes. He claims to be almost 200lbs so at least OVW is still doing the WWE gimmick of making weights higher than they actually are. He loses quickly. #2 is Eddie Knight. He’s quite enthusiastic. Colton Cage is just awful though so it doesn’t really matter who he’s wrestling. Some of their ‘near miss’ spots in here are telegraphed a million miles ahead. At least make spots remotely believable, like contact was intended at some point. Cage pins him with his feet on the ropes and #3 is Cash Flo.
We cut away for Al Snow to tell us about the brand he’s creating called Collar & Elbow, which is a bit like SPLX. Then we get a minute of black screen. Legitimately nothing happens. Just in case you were in any doubt that this promotion was an absolute joke.
Back in the match Cash Flo used to be in IWA-Mid South and is arguably the biggest name they book. Cash Flo is at least competent, so that’s a step up but even he pushes Colton into position for him to get his foot on the rope. Blame Cage for bumping into the wrong place I guess but it looked dumb. Cage gets another pin with a cheeky roll up. #4 is Dustin Jackson. They used to be a tag team. You can tell because they both wear grey jeans. This looks like two guys pretending to wrestle outside their local bar at 2am on a Saturday night. Actually that’s probably unfair as they know each other and the spots look less clunky than anything else but they still have an embarrassing ‘near miss’ in the corner where Colton misses by a mile. Cage nut shots Jackson and gets the pin again. #5 is Justin Smooth. Our Justin looks the part. He’s tall, has a good physique and is the kind of guy OVW have a history of churning out over the years. He’s 6’2”, 230lbs but he’s never worked anywhere else so he’s got basics but not much else. They are all out of position for the finish, with the guy, Dustin, who’s supposed to grab Colton’s leg on the wrong side of the ring. So they have to awkwardly move everyone across the ring. Smooth kicks Colton in the face and that’s it. This was a terrible match but at least it was better than whatever that women’s angle was.
Final Rating: ½*
OVW still sucks.