Kaiju Big Battle Live & Let Die review (4.8.18)

Kaiju Big Battle Live & Let Die review (4.8.18)

Kaiju Big Battel Live and Let Die


April 8 2018


We’re in New Orleans, Louisiana and yes, I am actually reviewing the Kaiju show. I would have done it already but I’ve been waiting for the edited version of the show as the replay had no sound.






It would really help if WWN’s microphones worked so I could understand what the hell they’re talking about.


Dareno vs. Sunbuster

Dareno is an evil squid thing.


Sunbuster, and in fact, this entire show feels like it’s taking place inside an episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. I keep waiting for Frank Reynolds to rush in and smash someone with a trashcan. “I’m the trashman”!


The match starts but the Evil Dr Cube arrives!


Dr Cube has a remote control that turns off Sunbuster’s subscription. Luckily another guy (sound is bad) comes out to save and Sunbuster knees Dareno in the face for the pin. Hot opener. Great heel work from Dr Cube, a Vince McMahon-esque promotion dominating heel figure only with the presence of the Undertaker and the gentle balletic prowess of Will Ospreay. Sunbuster will be in WWE by the end of the year and I hear Dareno is attracting interest from New Japan.

Final Rating: a small stack of immaculately arranged profiteroles


Over The Top Battle Royal With Cheese

Who do we have for this? #1 Choker, which is a lady dressed as an artichoke. #2 Silver Potato, which is a silver coloured potato. #3 Paco Plantain. Some sort of giant moustache sporting pea pod. Choker, ironically, gets chokeslammed. Through the Superdome! “I sure hope nothing important was happening there in the next 24 hours”. #4 Scab is literally a scab. I seriously doubt he can see through that thing. #5 Squida is a….thing. It’s closest thing to an actual kaiju so far. #6 Kung Fu Chicken Noodle is a can of something or other. #7 is a pizza delivery. Silver Potato strikes someone over the head with an object and someone calls New Orleans police. Squida then gets arrested for taking the shot.


My god, it’s social commentary on the mistreatment of seafood in modern America and how potatoes can get away with whatever they want due to their silver coloured since of entitlement.


#8 French Toast finds is very hard to get into the ring due to his sizeable girth. Or width. There’s definitely a piledriver in there from Dareno. Plantain is arrested for it!

Look at the size of French Toast;


I’m in awe. It’s like watching Andre the Giant. #9, it’s been a while since someone came in, is Burger Bear.


Then this happens:


And you thought the Clusterfuck would be the most ridiculous battle royal this weekend. #10 is Tucor, which is some sort of bird. While he’s coming out the almighty French Toast is eliminated.

#11 Pedro Plantain, the other Plantain brother, battles Tucor. #12 and final entrant is Tad Bradley! He’s a giant cock. They actually do the chair shot on the ropes spot, a classic, and Tad gets thrown out. Tucor wins!

Final Rating: a large portion of Hawaiian pizza. At least 4 slices.


Arm Wrestling

Monger King vs. Daisuke Sekimoto


Sekimoto overpowers the Monger King and pins his arm to the mat for three. Remarkable show of power!

Final Rating: 6000 devastating bicep curls


Dusto Bunny vs. Unnamed Kaiju


Dusto is a very dusty old rabbit. The other guy has no name because he’s new.


This is conducted under Australian rules so the pin is done on the stomach. Both kaiju struggle with this concept like Ronnie Garvin does with a submission match with no pinfalls in it. They just can’t get the modified rules. I guess you can’t teach an old kaiju new tricks. Dusto’s stupidity enrages everyone in the building. The crowd chant “fight forever”. It’s 3am for fuck’s sake. Fight for not much longer, more like. Dusto finally figures out how to pin someone and wins.

Final Rating: the fruit I found under my bed but couldn’t identify due to mould


Tucor, Yarsminko & Dr Cycloptopus vs. American Beetle & Lingerie Muto

American Beetle also has lingerie. Sawa spends most of the match selling his broken old knees. American Beetle hits a Canadian Destroyer off the ropes onto a table, sort of. When the costume is that large it’s hard to tell. Beetle wins with a double stomp but apparently this match is set for TWOOOO falls. Zack Gibson and the American Fun Police (should have got Travis Banks) come up to shut the show down for code violations but they get beaten down.

Sawa does a bang up job of doing all Muta’s moves, while wearing lingerie and competing against kaiju. My wife walks in at this point.

Wife: why has that one got one eye?

Me: Oh that’s Dr Cycloptopus

Wife: Oh, ok.

Sometimes acceptance is easier than asking follow up questions. Muto hits another Shining Wizard for the win.

Final Rating: A majestic eagle spreading its wings and revealing women’s underwear

Post Match: The Evil Dr Cube arrives with Super Minion 13. I like that American Beetle, when he speaks, talks entirely in Spanish. Heavy shot at Donald Trump’s presidency and his perception of what being American means. “Why don’t you try speaking American for a change?” – Dr Cube.


Super Minion 13 vs. Unicorn Party


This is tonight’s main event because you can’t follow a Unicorn Party with anything else. This match is very hard to describe but the Evil Dr Cube plays a big part in it, DDTing Unicorn Party’s second through a building. Dr Cube has his head torn off. Big Unicorn splash finishes and Unicorn Party becomes the Kaiju Big Battel Grand Champion in the process.


Final Rating: a rainbow of resurrection


Post Match: Unicorn Party resurrects the dead Bear Ranger. He brought him back to life. Michael Cole can bang on about WrestleMania moments all he likes but fuck him, this is life and death!




Did you actually read this? Show of the year mates.


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