Kaiju Big Battel (4.4.19) review

Kaiju Big Battel (4.4.19) review

Kaiju Big Battel

 

April 4 2019

 

Hey, I know I said I was doing this quite late in the day but I also wanted a show I could watch in little chunks and this is ideal for those purposes. It’s basically getting watched in between shows. Starting here on Friday evening after WrestleCon’s US vs. World show and before Mercury Rising. The aim is to, at some point, give me some extra rest for two hours instead of having to sit through Kaiju. Plus this is an ideal approach for the show. It’s not something you’d want to sit through for two hours solid unless you were actually there live.

 

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I like how they get a fan to ring the bell during the show. “SHIMMER won’t have a bell tomorrow if you steal it”.

 

Pheyden vs. Silver Potato

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Pheyden has goat legging like Tom Hanks in Dragnet but also a crab’s claw. He eats Madison Square Garden to kick us off. The problem with WWN having a shitty sound system is immediate. Because they play music throughout these shows and it all distorts. It takes about two minutes to give me a headache. “It looks like Silver Potato is broke, that’s how you know he’s a real wrestler”. Silver Potato wins with double knees off the top. I feel like he won because he’s a healthy option, can break dance and isn’t a monster. I also think Pheyden would have put in a better showing if he could actually see out of his mask.

Final Rating: **

 

Dusto Bunny vs. French Toast

This is interrupted by Gomi-Man, New Jersey’s trash monster who’s mad at Donald Trump’s policy on revoking clean air.

 

Dusto Bunny vs. Gomi-Man

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Oh no, not the vacuum!

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That’s the natural enemy of Dusto Bunny.

Dusto, despite his horrifying appearance, is a natural babyface against the much larger Gomi-Man. There’s a bit where Gomi-Man is randomly kicking at buildings because he can’t see his feet and doesn’t want to fall over. That about sums up Kaiju Big Battel. That and random finishers because it’s funny. That son of a bitch Dr Cube turns up and sucks the soul out of Dusto Bunny.

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Final Rating: Whatever I gave Raven vs. Sandman in ECW

 

South Division Championship

American Beetle (c) vs. Hell Monkey

Beetle coming out to the A-Team’s music makes me happy. Also he’s Mexican. Nothing could be more patriotic. The melting pot! They have a proper decent walk and brawl, jumping off stuff in the crowd. It looks like a right laugh. This match requires a four count for victory. Beetle gets double teamed but Sunbuster runs in for the save! Super Sun Punch! I love his control pad. His ability to pause his opponents is quite the superpower. It turns into a tag.

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Then the cops turn up. Presumably to arrest Hell Monkey for doing the Shining Wizard. He’s electrocuted by Pikachu and everyone hits finishers on him. FUCK THE POLICE! Hell Monkey gets double splashed off the top and it’s over. Beetle retains via tag rules and a four count that I’d completely forgotten about.

Final Rating: ***

 

Tucor vs. Burger Bear

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We have two Kaiju legends here. Burger Bear is one of their best babyfaces and Tucor a terrific heel. Because they’re really hard to screenshot here’s Burger Bear’s onion ring being held by the evil Bear Ranger.

Burger Bear busts a gut here. What’s the Burger equivalent of that? Relish? You can’t really bust a lettuce. There’s a heel miscue and Bear Range gets laid out, Burger Bear slams Tucor on her and wins. I could have lived without all the interference but at least the heels got what they deserved here. Solid storytelling.

Final Rating: **3/4

 

Kaiju Tag Team Championship

Los Plantinos vs. Sea World Order (c)

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This is easily one of the best matches I’ve ever seen between two Mexican vegetables and a couple of sea monsters. Or is plantain considered a fruit? Two fruits? I feel like that doesn’t do them justice. There is legitimately a Saito suplex in this and it’s taken right on the neck. Plantinos get the win.

This is legitimately one of the best finishes I’ve seen all weekend.

Final Rating: ***1/2

 

Kaiju Grand Championship

Erebus (c) vs. Powa Ranjuru

Erebus seems to have limited vision and coordination but excellent armour rating. Erebus breaking out the ripcord Bossman slam pops me though. That’s a tidy move.

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Guns n Roses kicks in over the PA system and it powers Powa up. She no sells a backdrop driver and comes after Erebus with the Protector mallet.

Naturally that gets it done.

Final Rating: **1/2

 

Post Match: the new champion gets beaten down but Unicorn Party makes the save. He also releases the soul of Dusto Bunny who comes back from the dead. But wait, good does not triumph, because there’s an evil version of Unicorn Party and he’s so evil he wipes out everyone including the evil Dr Cube.

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It’s Unicorn Party’s evil brother! The faces clear the ring out and we get a Rainbow Party Rave. Amazing to think that a show finished with someone being resurrected and that was overwhelmed by a surprise sibling reveal. Come on, save something for the next show guys.

 

Summary:

If you literally took this on face value as a real promotion this was still a better show than WrestlePro. A very easy two hour watch. Probably the breeziest Kaiji Big Battel show to date.

2 Responses to Kaiju Big Battel (4.4.19) review

  1. You are a clown. You gave some of these corny absurd and stupid matches a higher rating than the ROH ladder match from G1 Supercard. A good reviewer is supposed to be non-biased. Thanks for making sure I never come back to this website. Don’t bother replying, I won’t ever see it.

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