Joey Ryan’s Penis Party (4.5.19) review

Joey Ryan’s Penis Party (4.5.19) review

Joey Ryan’s Penis Party

 

April 5 2019

 

We’re at the Hilton, the WrestleCon venue, in New York City for the Penis Party. Hosts are Don Callis and Excalibur. “Maybe you and I could be the Boner Bros”. Joey Ryan welcomes us to the show along with his Penis Druids.

 

PenisJoey

Everyone points at Joey Ryan’s penis like it’s the WrestleMania sign.

 

Mr Iguana vs. Green Ant vs. Shark Boy vs. Black Taurus vs. Puma King vs. Ultimo Dragon

Shark Boy! Holy shit. Joey Ryan really digging deep into the rolodex. Shoot the fin brother! Having Ultimo Dragon over literally for this one match…and having him be managed by Sonny Onoo like it’s WCW circa 1996 is wild.

PenisUltimo

The great thing about dudes coming into to do autograph sessions for WrestleCon is that they can randomly show up on shows. Enjoyment of wrestling is very much reliant on dosage. If you see the same type of match on every show it’ll wear you out. The Scramble match is the new battle royal. I like almost everyone in this but I’ve seen a million scrambles this weekend. Black Taurus is one to watch. He’s had a good Mania weekend.

Penistrios

I have a soft spot for Mr Iguana too. They have the best spot of the match out on the floor, which busts Iguana’s head open but Ultimo pins Sharky and that’ll do it for the opener.

Final Rating: ***

 

Arez & Bestia 666 vs. DJ Z & Shigehiro Irie

This is certainly a combination of guys who probably don’t know each other. DJ Z and Arez both look really sharp and do the Indie stand off deal. Irie is impressive as shit too, with his clubbing blows and power spots. I now want to see him throwing around cruiserweights more frequently.

It seems that Bestia and Irie were not expecting a tope of that velocity. They give up on the concept of tagging but honestly, who gives a shit? We’re here for some crazy spots. This is a great combination of guys for it. The lucha style meeting the power of Irie and the flash of DJ Z. They pull out a ridiculous version of the Spanish Fly off the apron spot that not only doesn’t kill anyone but actually pops me and I hate the Spanish Fly. Irie finishes with a spike piledriver onto Bestia 666. This was fucking wild. I loved it.

Final Rating: ***3/4

 

Tracy Smothers vs. Su Yung

This is the match Ian Hamilton went -***** on so I’m excited to see how it is. Smothers was walking with a cane this weekend after slipping on dog piss so hopes are not high.

PenisYung

Tracy’s old heel gimmick returns here. He promises to come out here and beat up everyone in the building. “It takes four hours to go twenty miles in this motherfucker”. He threatens “ultra-mega mass homicide”. The line about women only being good in bed and the kitchen is perhaps a little over the line. He’s from a different time.

Penispenis

The Confederate singlet is a little over the line. Smothers has not been in good condition in quite some time. Let me put it like this; he was washed up in ECW over twenty years ago. “Look it’s Andre”. I cannot believe Su Yung fell for that. As Tracy beats Su down Excalibur points out “this is frowned upon in many countries”. “I’ve called three Omega-Okada matches but this is the highlight of my career so far” – Callis. Smothers cheap shots Su, hits her with a cane and gets the win. There’s some fantastic heat here. I hear some people didn’t like the act but, a few things aside, I was cackling at how devious it all was. Obviously the wrestling was terrible but the comms and promos were great.

Final Rating: *

 

Hollidead & Thunder Rosa vs. Rosemary & Allie

Thunder Rosa is terrific. I always forget which one of the Twisted Sisters is really good but I think I’ve got it down now.

PenisRosemary

There’s some serious time gone into all the face paint here. I respect the craft. There’s not much structure here. They go after a lot of low blows and this is how I learn the word “perineum”. How did I not know that word? Wrestling can be educational.

 

Just realized this review is going to fuck up search results to the site. If Penis Party didn’t do it then perineum will get me blocked on safe searches for sure. There are several sex crimes in this match. But also German suplexes. It’s a weird time to be alive. Twisted Sisters attempt some sort of submission that involves rubbing their bits on the face of their opponents and promptly get rolled up for the loss.

Final Rating: **1/4

 

Timothy Thatcher vs. David Arquette

Tim comes out to “Fucked With an Anchor” by Alestorm. He’s starting to deliver Sportz Entertainment via entrance music. Arquette is cornered by DDP. Arquette is over huge for surviving a match with Nick fuckin Gage.

PenisThatch

Arquette slaps Big Tim and that’s a mistake. He tries an axe handle off the top too. That also goes badly. If it wasn’t for DDP Yoga the poor guy would be mutilated. Arquette getting a couple of roll ups causes a few chuckles and some crowd support. Otherwise it’s just Tim, getting increasingly mean, and fucking David up. Tim eventually has enough of this and finishes with a Boston crab. While stretched at times Arquette didn’t almost die in this one so it’s a step up from Nick Gage.

Final Rating: **1/2

 

Penis Party Death Match

Dan Barry vs. Bill Carr

Team Tremendous have been jokingly threatening to turn on each other all weekend. This came about because Barry wanted to have a death match with his tag partner before he retired. They are not used to hardcore action and throw streamers at each other. “Maybe it’s a death match because you’ll want to kill yourself after watching them take bumps for streamers” – Callis. They step it up with an inflatable penis covered in thumbtacks. Out comes a barbwire bat. “Penis Party has taken a nasty turn”. A horrifically bloody Bill Carr goes on a staple rampage.

PenisCarr

PenisBarry

Then we get the wooden skewers and this ends up being surprisingly sick. It’s escalated. Their big weapon here is a board covered in mousestraps. Barry takes it and gets his finger stuck in one. He kicks out at one! Canadian Destroyer on the mouse traps finishes for Carr. This was bloody and creative. They’ve probably chatted about it on road trips in recent weeks.

Final Rating: ***1/4

 

DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Championship

Danshoku Dino (c)

This is under delayed entry gauntlet rules. Callis is having a riot calling this. “Full mount”. “Groin claw”. “Maintains cock control”. #1 is MAO. #2 is Sanshiro Takagi. #4 is Maki Ito. Unfortunately Excalibur thinks it’s Yuu. How do you not know who Maki Ito is? I am appalled. #5 is Makoto Oishi. #6 is Antonio Honda. He blows out his knee and has to retire. That’s the second time this weekend.

PenisHonda

Peniscock

His Gon the Little Fox the story about “Pennies from Heaven”/”Penis from Heaven” is an all-timer. You know it’s a little on the edge when Dino is waving it off. We have some naked butt action. The crowd wants ass. It’s really weird seeing the crowd react to DDT when a lot of them are probably not DDT regular viewers.

Penisbutts

The crowd are horrified by Ito getting her head crushed between two sets of buttocks and then MAO getting his hand trapped in Dino’s ass. 450 Splash on Dino and MAO wins the title but Oishi rolls him up to win the title with his ass hanging out. But wait..#7 is YOSHIHIKO! Oishi doing the half crab submission spot is epic. It was good on the DDT show but it was even better here.

Final Rating: ****

 

Best Friends & Matt Striker vs. Tommy Dreamer, Colt Cabana & Mike Babchik

Babchik is a radio DJ. He appears to have shit himself. Dreamer ejects the referee for not spotting a hair pull and replaces him with Jerry Lynn. There is limited effort here and a lot of goofing around. Chuck Taylor looks to be having a nice time. That’s the most important part. Dreamer DDT’s Striker and Babchik pins him. This was terrible.

Final Rating: DUD

 

Now I’m at the point where this show is running long. Up to that last match I was enjoying myself but now it’s dragging.

 

Johnny Penis & Taya Valkyrie vs. Lucha Brothers

Johnny Penis is John Morrison continuing his gimmick of using the name of the promotion as his surname.

Penisimpacy

Most of the match is Penta yelling abuse in Spanish and standing in place waiting to get hit with spots. It’s not his most dynamic performance as a pro wrestler. This is another quick loss for the Lucha Bros, who wrestled nine times this weekend and took it exceptionally easy a couple of times. Make this one of them.

Final Rating: **

 

Joey Ryan, Sexxxy Eddy & Val Venis vs. Martina, Priscilla Kelly & Scarlett Bordeaux

What a line up for the main event!

PenisVenis

PenisKelly

They make Priscilla Kelly look like a fucking superstar. She gets a little army of tampon druids. They are the least happy looking tampons you’ll ever see.

PenisScar

There’s a lot of antics here. Grabbing of bits. Grinding on other bits.

PenisEddy

Scarlett does her corner spot and both Joey and Val beg for their own turn. Martina getting visibly excited at the prospect of Val Venis doing his dance is a major highlight. Both she and Scarlett faint. Martina may have actually orgasmed. Val appears to have the match won and Priscilla confused by Martina runs off with him!

 

Priscilla Kelly is remarkably restrained for someone who projectile vomited on someone this year. As I type that she starts to eat Val Venis’ ass in a Human Centipede situation.

Penispede

Kelly pulls out a tampon and Martina has a used condom. There’s jism in Eddy’s face. Kelly has waxing strips! What the fuck is happening? I have never seen anything like this. Credit where it’s due I guess!

Final Rating: ***1/2

 

“I want to apologise to professional wrestling” – Joey Ryan

 

Summary:

This was probably too long and it started dragging in the second half but in all honesty all of these fun variety shows that were loaded up with different acts killed it this weekend. Penis Party was an undoubted success. I left with a big smile on my face. The main event is one of the most creatively out-there matches I’ve seen all year. The DDT match was an almost perfect showcase for what you get from that promotion and I’m certain people who saw it are now DDT fans. The tag that went on second was absolutely wild. The death match was insane. Tracy Smothers was…an experience. Even commentary found it impossible to hide how much fun they were having here. I love pro wrestling. In almost all its forms.

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