Joey Janela’s Spring Break 3 Part 2
April 7, 2019
We’re group watching this for RVR. Well, we were, but everyone is asleep apart from myself and Ian Hamilton. Commentary comes from Kevin Gill and Drew Cordeiro.
Joey Janela vs. Jungle Boy
They do a lot of superkicks, which I’ve missed in this weekend devoid of Bucks, young or otherwise. It’s the kind of match that has a lot of dives in it, one after another in murderous flippy fashion. Janela also nearly kills Jungle Boy with an Emerald Flowsion on the apron. Penelope Ford gets very involved in this and takes a few spots. Janela is still wrestling as a heel despite being a mega-face, it’s very weird. Jungle Boy is all fired up and starts kicking out at one. There’s a lot of suplexes and they battle to one-up each other. Jungle Boy ends up submitting Janela and Joey goes 0-2 on his own shows. He’s a giver. This would probably have been tighter if they’d not both just took a load of time off. They did a lot of big spots.
Final Rating: ***1/4
LAX vs. Rock n’ Roll Express
It amazes me that Morton still has that incredible mullet. Gibson’s hair has been falling out for years but that mullet is still strong. LAX are a very decent team and they’ve had a great year already but this must be a big highlight. Wrestling a legend team that want to do crazy stuff still is wonderful. CANADIAN DESTROYER! RICKY MORTON DID A CANADIAN DESTROYER. THIS IS A NOT A DRILL. LAX do their corner cannonball thing and that finishes but holy shit, this was great. It started out decent but got better and better until all those insane breaking down spots.
Gibson tying a bandana on LAX’s wrist is an actual passing of the torch moment. I loved this.
Final Rating: ***3/4
Masato Tanaka vs. LA Park
This match! Holy shit. It’s two guy who hit really hard and don’t give a fuck. It’s my ideal pro-wrestling match. I love tough bastards who don’t back down. These guys are both shoot tough and shoot fun. Parka smashes Tanaka with a chair, which is what he does, and Tanaka ignores it. “The official’s gotta get in there”. There’s no fucking way this scrawny ref is going to even think about getting in the way of these two. He’s literally here to count the pin, that’s it. The degree of not giving a fuck in this is frankly sensational. Parka powerbombs Tanaka through a door. A door! And it explodes. Wood flies everywhere. Tanaka even starts to look human during this because he takes such an ass beating. Parka spears Tanaka through a table when he’s sick of that crazy Japanese no selling and we’re done. LA Park actually beat Masato Tanaka by killing him. I love it.
Final Rating: ****
The Greatest Clusterfuck
#1 is Necro Butcher! #2 is Nick Gage! FUCK! YES! KILL EACH OTHER! #3 is Shlak (world’s fattest crackhead) and Marcus Crane. I’m not going to list all entrants but this starts out in fairly violent fashion. Gage looks so fired up! Swoggle is out there. Having no ring steps is a fucking rib Joey. There’s a bunch of hardcore guys in there. It’s like they’ve opened with a certain theme in mind and will transition into another during the match. Brian Pillman Jr is probably the first mainstream type guy to come in. Crane tries to kill him by putting a plastic bag over his head.
Nate Webb sings his own entrance music while the match is still going on. The singer from Wheatus does the entrance! That’s so perfect. It gets the crowd all vocal, while absolute chaos is happening in the ring, and they sing abuse to MJF. MJF nearly breaks his leg kicking Joey Ryan in the dong. We get a string of ‘sexy’ types.
A naked Sexy Eddie actually manages a moonsault before being eliminated. We then get some small guys. The Stunt brothers, Team Whitewolf. Swoggle is able to overpower the Joey Ryan dong. Making him the first in history I believe. Just when you think the hardcore part of the match is over G-Raver comes out with hypodermic needles and stabs Swoggle!
Kikutaro does butt stuff. Teddy Hart shows up with his cat and I swear a fan leans in to look to see if it’s a shoot cat. Then Homicide turns up and everyone sits around to watch. Cryme Tyme turn up! This match is nuts. MJF eliminating both of Cryme Tyme and mimicking their respective dances is amazing. They have a dives sequence where everyone eliminates themselves and nobody cares. Dustin Thomas then turns up and he can’t get eliminated because his feet can’t hit the floor. Brendan Brown, from Wheatus, is in this. MJF has to remind him when he’s being eliminated.
Tony Deppen is living his best 1980s life. Nice to see the Aussies scattered throughout this. Caveman Ugg is dominant in his run. Crowbar is in this match. It’s amazing whose phone number Joey Janela has. Grizzly Redwood for example. Necro is still in this! nWo Sting is hilarious. As if. He’s followed by Tracy Smothers and Mantaur as we enter the nostalgia portion. There are a bunch of scrubs out here too and one puts another through a table off the apron to eliminate them both. I get the whole ‘must create good impression’ thing but nobody cares lads. Save your necks. Takeda and Jimmy Lloyd get to meet again. No blood this time. Lloyd gets revenge with the quick elimination. Essa Rios gets a big pop. He even has the red hair. It’s great. Necro finally gets knocked out.
All of a sudden a load of women turn up, mad that the men are having all the fun. GENDER WAR! Maria Manic has triggered the gender war. Lads, we had a good run but it’s over. They drag Frank the Clown into the ring and beat him up too. The women line up to kick Frank in the balls. Then Lloyd gets worn out with light tubes. Dickinson gets superplexed through a table. This is wild. The male refs all get killed so they have to send out Girl Hebner to call the match.
They drag Janela out, beat him down and we go off the air. Holy shit that was fucking insane.
Final Rating: ***1/2
Joey Janela thinks outside the box. You can’t teach that. It doesn’t come from watching WWE and imitating it. It comes from truly thinking about what you want from wrestling and what you want to say about it. This show left us with indelible images and did so without being of detriment to quality. We had a cake, got to look at some different cake that we might be interested in from the cake catalogue and then had some cake smashed in our faces because we deserved it. Is the gender issue in wrestling going to get better because the women are main eventing WrestleMania? No. But is it finally shifting to the point where it could? It feels that way.
We need bright and articulate voices in wrestling just like we need them everywhere. You need to make a stand and change the world. Nobody is going to do that for you. Vince McMahon isn’t going to change pro wrestling overnight because he suddenly has an epiphany. Ideas change the world. It’s happened before and it’ll happen again. Change is the scariest thing in the world for old people but they’re just going to have to live with it. Because change is coming and it’ll probably be presented to the world by Game Changer Wrestling and it’ll probably sell out. And nothing changes old people’s minds like a fat wad of cash.
The last thing I expected from Joey Janela’s Spring Break 3 Part 2 was for him to question the entire wrestling business, literally tear down the ideals of the business and leave us with the image of women beating him up. The promoter, essentially, taken to task by his female employees. Seeing his own dreams walked over because he ignored the dreams of the women in his life. Changing the world, baby.