Bar Wrestling VII review (12.14.17)

Bar Wrestling VII review (12.14.17)

Bar Wrestling A Christmas Special

 

December 14 2017

 

We’re at Baldwin Park, California for Bar Wrestling 7: A Christmas Special. And it is fucking FESTIVE as fuck.

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Before we get underway Jingle Bell Rock kicks in and Santa is here. Hornswoggle isn’t pleased with that. “Fuck Christmas and fuck Santa”. He leads his merry band of scrooges out here and starts into Macauley Culkin, who’s sat in the front row. “It’s Kevin McAllister”.

Hornswoggle shoots on Culkin for bit and then lays out a Christmas tree. You don’t get many “fuck him up Santa” chants, I appreciate that. “You don’t come out here and ruin Christmas!” Anyway; the main event is Santa and his backup for Hornswoggle and his bad lads.

 

Hot Young Briley vs. Scorpio Sky

Not sure I’m happy with the crowd’s insistence at chanting “you suck dick”. Although Briley’s response that “Christmas sucks dick” has me in bits. Scorpio Sky is only 34 years old but he’s been around for ages. He was never capable of hitting the next level unlike a lot of his PWG counterparts but he’s a decent innovator and has a good range of skills. Especially when it comes to flying.

Bar7Scorpio

Scorpio gets all festive by wrestling in a santa hat. That’s removed by a DDT so Scorpio gets miffed and hits a Diamond Cutter on the apron, which is a beautiful Xmas gift. I’m happy that Briley doesn’t just rebound from this either, struggling to his feet and getting floored again by the TKO for the pin. Briley reminds me of Dolph Ziggler only his selling isn’t on the way to Curt Hennig, it’s nicely grounded.

Final Rating: ***

 

The Killer Baes (Laura James & Heather Monroe) vs. Delilah Doom & Solo Darling

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Solo works for Chikara so I saw her in King of Trios this year. I thought she was pretty good. Her reputation isn’t. Her average rating on Cagematch is a three. Delilah Doom has limitations but what she does well, lucha stuff, is good. Plus her character is nicely established. She’s a fitness instructor from the 80s. Monroe is arguably the weak point and the Baes in general don’t look very good. Laura isn’t established enough to carry a partner and Monroe has a year in the business and it shows. There are too many awkward pauses. Commentator claims the Baes remind him of “the Midnight Express”. No, mate. Maybe the Bob Holly & Bart Gunn version. As the match progresses I really appreciate Doom’s enthusiasm. She can’t work any miracles with Heather but when she’s on offence the match is at its best. Doom takes a nice bump on the Baes finish too. She made the match for me.

Final Rating: **1/4

 

Eli Drake vs. JTG

Impact Global Champion finds himself in a more logical card position, better suited to his skill set; opposing JTG in the third match of an undergraps show. JTG has started being introduced as the Tampon G because, wait for it, he’s “all up in this bitch”. Califuckingfornia. No wonder John McLain hated it. JTG doesn’t know who Eli Drake is.

JTG looks good here, although that may be due to Eli Drake being a champ at getting his ass kicked and taking nifty looking spots. If Eli Drake was great at talking trash he’d make for a good ‘travelling champion’. He also works a solid two minutes in this with his ass hanging out. The action gets so frantic commentary actually says “my god, they’re doing a lot of moves in there”. It’s a tidy little match with good spots. The finish coming when Drake uses the title as a distraction and nut shots JTG to get the win. I do dig Eli Drake but Impact champion isn’t much to be proud of at the moment.

Final Rating: ***1/4

 

Raisha Saeed vs. Taya Valkyrie

Bar7Saeed

Raisha has an Arabic gimmick, which I think is supposed to be a heel because she takes shots at American politics and Taya’s skimpy attire and prays to Allah…and yet she’s quite popular. I don’t much care for the gimmickry and yet her gear is tremendous. I’ve never seen someone work a Niqab into wrestling gear before.

Credit to Taya for selling an assault with tinsel but then I guess it is quite coarse. Saeed’s Islamic rage clashing with Taya’s beliefs in freedom and cleavage is quite the story to tell but it isn’t quite as serious as it could be. Meanwhile Taya’s ‘manager’ is drinking Southern Comfort Egg Nog. Good lord!

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Taya “noggs up” in a spot that gets the front row wet and Macauley Culkin is on his feet baby! They keep trying for epic but in doing so throw in lots of silly spots. You can’t have lots of silly spots, religious conflict and desperation kick-outs. It’s a mess. Pity, really, as they have three different match ideas all squashed together.

Final Rating: **

 

Reno SCUM (Adam Thornstowe & Luster the Legend) vs. Luchasaurus & Super Panda

Bar7Luster

Look at this dude’s facial hair! In a match with a panda and a dinosaur he’s the guy I’m freaked out by. Panda tries to press Luchasaurus to the floor, which goes about as well as you might expect. “I’m not going to get on him because he can’t throw a dinosaur very far” – comms. Indeed. I’ll leave it for Maffew. It’s a shame because I dig all these characters. Luster looks like he fell off one of the trucks in Mad Max. Luchasaurus is a dinosaur and Panda has a lovely cutsey underdog vibe. Luster beats the fuck out of him. Thornstowe is under-gimmicked, although he tries to compensate by doing John Cena impressions. The actual work is patchy at best but Panda, botch throw aside, carries the action with his babyface antics. Luchasaurus gets away with a lot because of his gimmick. Super Panda gets in his sliding German suplex, stacked no less, only the camera doesn’t have a good angle of it so no GIF. With the technical issues the match really drags, which is a pity because on paper I was hyped for this. (No, I actually was).

Luster to the rescue! Murders all round! That’ll do it.

Final Rating: **1/2

 

Ethan Page vs. Brian Cage

I love that Ethan Page shows up everywhere since he quit EVOLVE. Every Indie show, he’s on it. He’s working firmly heel here. He tries to stomp on Macauley Culkin’s hands when he does the ring slapping Terminator thing for Cage. Fair play to Culkin, he’s having a blast at this show. Page kills me here, stopping the match to explain the International to Cage when he doesn’t play along with it.

Bar7EthanPage

Page is outsized so uses underhanded tactics, such a illegal punches and choking Cage with a blow up snowman. Christmas! Page has solid banter with the crowd, making me think he’d do a decent job of bantering with the BritWres crowds if he got a UK gig. They don’t quite click and the match feels a wee bit rushed. Cage picks up the win with the discus lariat. I wouldn’t go as far to say this was disappointing because they hit the beats of heel stalling, followed by back and forth action, but it certainly didn’t hit a higher gear like it could have.

Final Rating: ***

 

Santa Claus, Joey Ryan & Candice LaRae vs. Swoggle, Peter Avalon & Ray Rosas

Santa is Dick Justice. He’s American Santa. I disapprove of Joey Ryan not giving his blow pop to Macauley Culkin. That was a GIF OF DREAMS Joseph! Swoggle is described as being a “dark star” because his weight is so concentrated. He’s fat, lads. There’s a lot of talk about dicks. Commentary collapses in on itself with talk of mangers. Joey Ryan hits two guys in the head with his dick and then hot tags Santa Claus…is a sentence I just typed. Only in wrestling. Candice looks amazing here, because she’s genuinely good and both Rosas and Avalon look better for working with her.

Then Santa pulls out a gun and that’s the end of referee Rick Knox. That has to be a DQ.

Luckily Macauley Culkin is on hand!

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Santa throws Culkin onto Swoggle and Christmas is saved.

Final Rating: Seasonal

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Summary:

You’re not going to see any five star classic matches at Bar Wrestling but it continues to be a fucking good time. You can watch Bar Wrestling on the Highspots Wrestling Network. Don’t tell Jim Cornette about it though, he won’t like it and it’ll just make him angry.

 

 

 

2 Responses to Bar Wrestling VII review (12.14.17)

  1. my man! Super panda here. thanks for the kinds words. buddy sent me this. FYI right at the start of this match i had a full bicep tear off the bone completely. freak accident. I’ve pressed slammed The dinosaur many a night. but next to impossible with a ruptured arm haha. had to work the full match and take the heat like that. doc said that was next to impossible lol. had my surgery and im looking at 5 month on the shelf :(. BUT im workin on a fun youtube channel in the meantime so that should be fun. anyway just wanted to thank u again for the good review and soon as im healthy im press slamming the dino into the tenth row lol. cheers. p.s. sorry for typos. im not left handed. haha!

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