ATTACK! Pro Wrestling Featuring Some Of Your Favourite Wrestlers
January 5 2018
We’re in Cheltenham at the Frog & Fiddle. It’s Attack’s first show of 2018 and they kick things off with a Star Wars style scroller. Host in the ring is Jim Lee. This is the first show after the banishment of Shay Purser so the crowd are back to yelling “ding, ding, ding” for the ring bell instead of berating Shay.
Ryan Smile vs. Flash Morgan Webster
Flash is the champion but he currently has no established challenger so this is a non-title bout to see if Ryan can cut it as a challenger. This is an energetic, fast-paced opener with crisp, clean spots and excellent execution. Flash has improved a lot since his shoulder injury, as if being out has driven him to be the best Flash he can. Ryan has been through some hard times recently, losing Lucha Forever in the process, so he’s also out to prove himself. While it kicks off on the light-hearted side it soon get serious and they really wail on each other. The strikes are well timed and it feels competitive. Ryan keeps trying for a late, late kick-out and it’s too late so Joel Allen has to screw up the cadence of his count. Timing those late kick-outs is trickier than you’d think. Ryan comes off the top and gets trapped in the Strangler and that’ll do it. So no title shot for Smile.
Final Rating: ***1/2
Chris Brookes vs. Millie McKenzie
Millie is the spiritual successor to Nixon Newell so it makes sense for her to be battling Brookes after his long-time feud with Nixon. I love how Millie always looks surprised that people know her. Brookes asking for submissions off the most basic of moves is beautifully patronising, as is Joel Allen’s deadpan checking. “She said no Chris”. Brookes sets the tone perfectly, with his clownish behaviour, for Millie to mount a dynamic comeback. As ever Brookes is there to totally ruin it too. When he behaves like a rotter, there are few better. I’ve never hated Brookes act as a heel but I do appreciate it. Millie busts out some lovely little lucha bits and pieces, like an armdrag to escape a crucifix bomb. It shows another string to her bow. So far she’s mostly gotten over on suplexes and topes. She’s already developing that style.
Brookes does the little things so well in this. Underestimating his opponent, getting discombobulated by the comebacks and making the big hits mean something. The match structure is solid too. The way Millie can’t get a dive early on because Brookes is ready for it but then hitting one later when he’s taken a beating off her. Millie never ceases to amaze me, given her experience levels, as she knows when to sell and when not to. Her timing the big spots and the transitions is so smooth. I’m sure Brookes had a lot to do with the structuring here but the way Millie’s offence intertwines Brookes’ behaviour is incredibly tidy. Especially when Brookes goes for more vicious stuff and Millie pulls out slick, picture perfect lucha counters. Brookes doesn’t learn and continues to grab Millie by the hair, in a disrespectful manner because he knows he can win, if he takes the match more seriously. But he was put to the test here. Brookes takes it but Millie made a convincing battle of it throughout and this was one hell of an Attack debut.
Final Rating: ***3/4
Attack Pro Wrestling Tag Team Championship
Bowl-a-rama (c) vs. The Marauders
Katt wants to kick things off with a singalong and stops Mike Bird from piledriving him by singing “Old Man River”. Mike just can’t cope with the beauty of his voice and go through with the piledriver. Then he decimates Wild Boar with his vocal range. A choir of angels has descended on Cheltenham! The Marauders are a great tag team and when they take this match seriously it’s a decimation of two comedy guys. I like that they’re open to engaging in the comedy spots but ultimately are just an old school ass-kicking machine. Bowl-a-rama are not what you’d call ‘technically good’ but they’re decent and Boar & Bird are more than capable of carrying the in-ring aspects while Bowl-a-rama bring the personality. The finish is a little weird with Boar getting carried away putting a beating on Katt and accidentally punching Bird in the mouth. He’s then double teamed for the loss.
Final Rating: **3/4
Post Match: Boar lip syncs to “We Are The Champions” while Bowl-a-rama holds their belts on high. It’s very odd.
ELIJAH vs. Eddie Dennis
Eddie is still a babyface in Attack, which is fine. ELIJAH is young and inexperienced but he plays the angry heel who hates fun in Attack, where everyone else is enjoying themselves. Eddie is good opponent for him because he can get serious so rather than crushing someone fun ELIJAH just goes to war with Dennis. It doesn’t feel at all like an Attack match but it’s a fine contest. ELIJAH gets unfair advantages from Bishop at ringside. Otherwise Eddie would just mangle him with meaty Welsh forearms. Dennis looks like a monster, using his power moves and strikes. ELIJAH has to resort to flying to stay in the match. If it wasn’t for Bishop, the match would be over quickly. Instead ELIJAH gets a fluke roll up for the win.
Final Rating: **
El Phantasmo vs. Chuck Mambo
Mambo has balls. It’s his gimmick. So he decides to play volleyball for a bit. Joel Allen delivers another deadpan classic with “I don’t know the rules” when asked if a point had been scored. When they get bored of how bad Phantasmo is at volleyball they do a slow-motion chop battle. The fans get a slow-motion chant too and everything is going fine until Joel Allen counts normally on a pin. Phantasmo has a rope walking gimmick but finds the venue ceiling a little limiting. There are fucking beams everywhere! Phantasmo hits a very impressive moonsault, in spite of the low ceiling, for the win. This was fun but brisk.
Final Rating: **1/2
Anti-Fun Police (Chief Deputy Dunne & The Brothers of Obstruction) vs. Stupid Sexy Strong Style (Travis Banks, Tyler Bate & Pete Dunne)
Stupid Sexy Trav has gotten over rapidly in Attack. He level of seriousness here is very, very low. It’s kinda weird seeing Pete in a goofy match, especially as he goes after his ‘brother’ Damian with reckless abandon. Travis isn’t happy with the “state” of Dunne and Bate and demands they improve their look.
— Arn~! (@ArnoldFurious) January 7, 2018
Joel is also dressed sexy and the Obstruction lads are not pleased. Pete is basically just himself with a stringer on but Tyler disappears into the gimmick like Travis does. The spot where he does Rick Rude posing while one of the Hunter’s tries to shoulderblock him is glorious. “Who wants to see something sexy?” “YAAAAAAAS” – Travis. While Travis’ work is quite magical on one side of the ring, Damien Dunne may outdo him with some ridiculous facial expressions across the ring.
Damian has a crisis of conscience when a tope he hits is dubbed as “fun” by the Cheltenham crowd. It was, you know.
Santos Jr pulling a “gun” out and pointing it at Tyler, only for Tyler to disarm him is wonderful stuff. Well played, lads, I was in fucking bits here. Also Santos being absolutely captivated by Bop before inevitably being punched in the jaw. This is a supremely goofy match but it is also hugely entertaining. The faces in particular are all exceptional at putting matches together and their structuring is an elaboration on their more serious matches. Tyler pretty much breaks when Santos threatens to kill him with an invisible shotgun. That’s the level this match operates at.
Estupido Sexy Santos. pic.twitter.com/7ORMPMbQgV
— Arn~! (@ArnoldFurious) January 7, 2018
The Anti-Fun cops try to triple team Travis but instead get mowed down with Triple Sexy Finishers. Pete makes a point of hitting a Tombstone on Damian when he’s already beaten, to rub it in. Post match they have a big sexy dance party. Pete Dunne even has a pop at a Spinneroonie. Sort of. A fun time is had by all.
Final Rating: ***1/2
As per usual this was a fun show from Attack. They have a very distinct wrestling style, which makes their shows a breeze to sit through. Especially at a peppy two hours. The card took a bit of a dip in the middle, for variety’s sake, but the show started and ended strong. The main was tremendous fun and the storytelling in Brookes-McKenzie was top drawer. An easy watch and an easy thumbs up. Don’t go in expecting any MOTYC because that’s not what the show is about. Just kick back and enjoy yourself.