AIW Slumber Party Massacre
April 4 2019
This is the show with Scott Steiner vs. Hornswoggle on it. What else do you need? We’re in Jersey City at White Eagle Hall.
La Familia de Tijuana (Damian 666 & Bestia 666) vs. The Young Studs (Bobby Beverly & Eric Ryan)
The Studs come out to Love in an Elevator by Aerosmith so I love them. Damian and Bestia aren’t keen and open them up with forks in the opening minute.
Poor Eric Ryan. Unfortunately, they take time setting spots up. The chair to the groin needs three people to figure it out and Ryan to hold it there himself. They have other miscommunications and I could frankly live without a confused mess to open the show. Eric Ryan sheds some blood, although Jimmy Lloyd is probably not impressed. They pull out a door covered in forks and I’m here for it. Ryan takes a DVD through it and that’s the match. This had a lot of issues. Not least of all that they spent ages prepping a crazy finish and then barely showed it on tape. Disappointing.
Final Rating: **1/4
Submit or Surrender
Dominic Garrini vs. Joshua Bishop
This is Garrini’s third match today. Garrini is wearing camo shorts and a vest, which isn’t his usual look. Garrini is also barefoot. I hope he doesn’t step on a fork. That’s a very real possibility. They starting swinging for the big bombs a few minutes in and there is palpable hate. Bishop goes under the ring and comes out with RAILROAD SPIKES.
RAILROAD SPIKE FIGHT! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! pic.twitter.com/wSAoC5SGax
— Arn (@ArnoldFurious) April 9, 2019
One small problem here. Bishop blading, dropping the blade, the ref picking the blade up and dropping it front of Garrini who then blades on camera. At least *try* to hide it guys. All three of you are culpable there. Luckily they decide to kill each other to make up for it and Garrino gets powerbombed off the stage through chairs and stuff.
“He slapped him across the face with that tack covered baseball bat”.
He skewered him in the ear! No! That is honestly one of the sickest spots I’ve ever seen.
It’s so disgusting that when they break up thumbtacks people aren’t even that horrified. Oh but Garrini is barefoot, this is a terrible environment for him. There is pain everywhere. “Do you submit Dominic?” “No, fuck you Josh”. Garrini gets handcuffed to the corner, covered in light fluid and as Bishop walks across the ring with a lighter in his hand Garrini surrenders.
Holy fucking shit. If they’d covered up the goddamn double bladejob instead of doing it right in front of everyone this had a shot at being one of the matches of the weekend. Unreal. Sickening. The finish is amazing. Of course you surrender! You can take thumbtacks and a bit of blood but you don’t want to get set on fire and be scarred for life. Or die!
Final Rating: ****1/4
AIW Tag Team Championship
Cheech & Colin Delaney (c) vs. Marino Tenaglia & Philly Collins vs. Derek Director & Eddy Only vs. Russ Myers & T-Money
All these teams have names. I’m not writing them all down. They to have a crazy spot heavy match but it starts to fall apart quickly. The low bridge spot is a disaster. They work in a dumb spot where Collins powerbombs his own partner. Why? Just move out of there dummy. T-Money brings me back with a POOOOOOUNCE. I love a good pounce. They do a load of stupid stuff after that. The diving ace crusher spot where the other guy is standing there waiting to take it after he’s hit his finish is so dumb. It probably sounded great when they were planning it. Champs retain. This was not good. T-Money was a highlight.
Final Rating: **
Eddie Kingston vs. Shinjiro Otani
As if this is just hidden away in the middle of an AIW show. I feel like Otani was not well utilized over the weekend.
This starts a little leisurely but then Otani decides to turn it into a fight.
This is the most over Otani was the whole weekend. I love it. He gives the crowd a bunch of boot scrapes as a return. Sadly the match slows up again after that. Otani does a magical job of selling his knee here. Collapsing because he can’t stand. He understands the true nature of having bad knees because he’s got bad knees. Eddie can’t finish him off though and Otani batters him with a lariat for the win. His standard buckle sell celebration makes added sense with the knackered knee.
Final Rating: ***1/2
Swoggle vs. Scott Steiner
This is certainly a match that’s happening.
Steiner kicks us off with some stand up. “Show me those little hands you short motherfucker”. Jesus. “Nowadays you’re supposed to be politically correct but fuck that you short bastard”. Steiner gets Cabana Man Dan to fight for him. Swoggle taps him out so Scotty decides to get his hands dirty. Cabana Man Dan is still out here and he enrages Steiner so Scotty gives him White Thunder. This match is a total mess but I’m crying with laughter. I fucking love Scott Steiner. I don’t care. I’m screaming “Screwdriver” at the screen. I’m disappointed as Scotty just hooks the Steiner Recliner and Swoggle is forced to tap. Crowd boo and I’m really not sure if they’re booing the result or that Steiner didn’t hit the Screwdriver.
Final Rating: **1/2
Ethan Page & MJF vs. Colt Cabana & Space Monkey
Apparently MJF is Cabana’s son. When they argue about who’s tagging Colt orders him to his room. He leaves the ring. “This is such bullshit”.
They do some father/son stuff; like the double look up bit. Cabana gets in the dad zone and spanks everyone. Oh, he’s spanking the monkey! MJF works the tail over and I love that Space Monkey sells the tail.
Colt beats MJF and I had a nice time watching this.
Final Rating: ***
Mance Warner vs. Nick Gage
The crowd goes nuts for Nick Gage. This would have a much bigger impact, as a match, if it didn’t have to follow the insane Submit or Surrender match that went on second. This is just your standard Gage brawl around the building with them getting thrown into chairs and what not. Although Mancer getting thrown into a crowd of Mance fans is pretty great work from Gage. The work in the ring isn’t particularly good. Gage pretty much peaks with his entrance but he does have a presence and you can’t teach that. The match is way too long though. I look at the time and it’s barely over ten minutes but it feels like an eternity. Two piledrivers and a powerbomb finishes for Gage.
Final Rating: **1/4
AIW Absolute Championship
PB Smooth (c) vs. Matthew Justice vs. Tim Donst vs. Tom Lawlor
Lawlor has never lost in AIW but also never had a title shot. Donst is a former three-time champion. Justice has the other AIW belt, the name of which escapes me. We get some pretty nifty dives here and they’re clearly shooting for epic. Justice in particular throws himself around like this is the most important match of his career. Lawlor, as MLW will testify, has a touch of something special about him. This probably isn’t the best environment for him as he has to cater to the memes of a big four-way and he’s better at telling a one-on-one struggle story. Smooth is surprisingly not very involved for someone who’s coming in as champ and Donst looks gassed at the mid-way point of the match. When they attempt a four-way near falls the match completely falls apart. Lawlor takes a Drunken Driver through chairs in a spot that looked like a sure-fire finish. It’s a kick-out too. How hard is it for someone to break the pin? I hate the finish too. Lawlor chokes Smooth out and Justice is without touching distance selling and can’t bring himself to break it up. Lawlor is going to be a belt collector this year. This wasn’t good.
Final Rating: **3/4
Post Match: Lawlor cuts a sensational promo saying that Matt Riddle is, and I quote, “a bum” and he’s the real deal.
This was a weird show because there was a lot of wacky stuff I was looking forward to. Steiner/Swoggle for example and Kingston/Otani. It ended up being the insane Garrini/Bishop match that stole the show and a lot of the stuff I thought would be fine was a waste of time. Definitely a cherry picking show if you’re playing along at home.