5 Star Wrestling
March 1 2018
We’re in Belfast, Northern Ireland. Due to bad weather the venue looked like this:
Twitch have included the pre-show where Steve Lynsky encourages fans to move around to the one side of the arena so they’ll appear on TV.
Dunkan Disorderly vs. Brian Corr
Neither man has entrance music or even a name on the video screen. Corr is used to smaller venues and wants to be clapped. This crowd is so thin that every noise echoes around the building. I can’t imagine anyone would tune into this and think ‘ooohhhh, wrestling’ and not turn over immediately. I love professional wrestling and I find this embarrassing. Dunkan does a lot of stalling and there’s no atmosphere in the building whatsoever. It’s so quiet you can hear them call spots. There is a lot of pressure on these two local lads but they just leave them out there and hope for the best. How long is this match? The commentator falls all over himself trying to call a urinage. It’s only the Rock’s finisher mate. “It’s like an STO with a jump at the start. They’re so innovative”. Corr wins with a moonsault. This was ten minutes but it felt a lot longer. Tricky spot for Dunkan and Brian to be inserted in. The weather certainly fucked up whatever plan Five Star had to begin with.
Final Rating: **
Promo Time: Flash Morgan Webster
Nobody has told Flash where the hard cam is so he randomly talks with his back to camera.
To be fair, that’s where all the fans are. He calls out anyone in the back and gets BIG GRIZZLY.
They banter a bit because they’re really short on wrestlers tonight.
Flash Morgan Webster vs. BIG GRIZZLY
Flash starts fast and it swiftly becomes a battle of speed versus strength. “Four minutes” the ref yells, easily picked up on camera. Are you trying to tell me this match is only getting four minutes? The camera work is the least dynamic I’ve seen on a wrestling show in a long time. Flash hits a dive and out they go to the hard cam so you can see how much he comes up short, rather than the cameraman who’s on the floor right next to the dive who probably had a better shot. Grizzly hits a chokeslam and that’s it. Oh my word, what a fucking shambles this show is.
Final Rating: *1/2
Russell Dempster vs. Curtis Murray
I have no idea who Dempster is. Even the commentator doesn’t know who he is! Murray on the other hand has worked for OTT and is quite good. As I type that Curtis slips off the ropes and botches. Then Dempster back bumps before taking a missile dropkick. While the match is going on I look him up on Twitter and he appears to be a trainee from Northern Ireland’s “Uprising” promotion. Curtis puts him away with a cutter. This wasn’t good. Nervy performance from both guys. Curtis Murray looked the better of the two by a distance.
Final Rating: *
Next up…Music kicks in. Then stops. Lynsky stands motionless in the ring. There’s a bit of laughter. “No harm done” chirps the commentator. Of course not! Why would this amateurish mess be considered damaging in any way?
Matty Mayhem vs. HT Drake
Drake is wrestling face. The crowd are pretty dead already. I’m told this is all pre-show btw. Can you imagine how horrified I am to realise this? Matty has a good look. He’s covered in tattoos and has green hair. He tries to clumb on the barricade and that goes badly. “If at first you don’t succeed” chirps the dipshit on commentary. Drake gets opened up hardway as I learn that commentary comes from Joe Hendry. He’s awful.
— Arn @16 Carat (8-11 March) (@ArnoldFurious) March 3, 2018
Matty Mayhem somehow manages to walk away from this. So Drake is bleeding all over the place, from his ear, and Mayhem is dead but he doesn’t know it yet. Drake ends up winning with a senton and I’m just glad the match is over before one of them died.
Final Rating: Scary
That’s the end of the pre-show. I don’t recommend sitting though it. I have provided you with a GIF of the most ridiculous spot.
As the show begins the awful Joe Hendry is joined by Greg Lambert. The worst possible combination of guys.
Promo Time: Alberto El Patron
Del Rio doesn’t know where the hard cam is either. He cuts a rambling incoherent promo about his career and how Rey Mysterio had a “family emergency”.
He calls out Jody Fleisch and kills some more time determining whether the crowd wants to see this match. Then heels on Jody by refusing to shake his hand. This was total filler.
5 Star Tag Team Championship
Kings of the North vs. Max Money (Charlie Sterling & Adam Maxted) (c)
Maxted forgot his title belt the fucking div.
So when the referee holds up the belt(s) it’s literally one belt for the tag team championship. If Kings of the North win will Maxted have to Fed Ex the belt to them? Charlie Sterling treats this like a kids show. KOTN have been very successful for OTT and had a cracking 2017. The champs play this more like mainstream heel guys, compared to KOTN working top tier Indies. There’s a lot of time-wasting from the champs. It doesn’t take much for them to powder and beg off. It’s a clash of styles. Considering how tedious it is I’m surprised Greg Lambert and Joe Hendry find something worthwhile to talk about. The champs actually have the nerve to run heat on both challengers. Bonesaw gets a counter off the top called a “double fall” by the increasingly irritating Lambert. Bonesaw breaks up a pin on Corvin but the ref decides it’s actually a three and yep, they botched the finish. Boring match with a terrible finish.
Final Rating: ½*
Promo Time: Carlito & Chris Masters.
They’re interviewed in the ring by So Cal Val. This lasts seconds before Kid Fite and Kreiger turn up to try and get a match on tonight’s card. “The Masters of Cool are one of the best tag teams in the world” – Joe Hendry. Hahaha. Oh wait, you were serious? HAHAHAHA.
Carlito looks confused by everything here and Masters leaves his hand hanging out because he doesn’t understand anything that’s happening.
Jody Fleisch vs. Alberto El Patron
Alberto wrestles in his t-shirt because of course he does. He’s well up on that list of ‘guys who’ll do anything for a pay day but don’t actually give a fuck’. Lambert points out Jody was preparing for a “different match”. Against whom? Who was he booked to wrestle originally? Was it Rey? If it was Rey why don’t you just say so?
I like that they do a throw back to the handshake spot from earlier, even though it made no sense for Alberto to pull his hand away before. Patron nicks someone’s beer at ringside to throw it at Jody. If he’d pulled that shit with me he’d be looking at being told to “fuck off” on live TV. Alberto decides to brawl around in the crowd because that requires a minimum of effort. They follow that with a chinlock. There’s no chemistry here whatsoever and with Patron in one of those ‘moods’ there’s no chance of business picking up. He’s sluggish, he’s late at bumping sometimes and he generally looks in poor condition. Alberto grabs the ring bell hammer, making a point of drawing attention to it by hitting the ring post. If you’re going to cheat, why draw attention to it? Surely that’s the last thing you want to do? Alberto isn’t a big one for subtlety. Patron finishes instead with a sloppy double stomp. This was really bad, with Alberto’s performance being entirely to blame. He was all over the fucking place. His character had no continuity and almost nothing made sense here. Jody did his best but Alberto wasn’t interested.
Final Rating: *1/2
Post Match: Alberto talks some more, during which he plays it babyface despite working heel. He points out his kids asked him why he won’t just stay home? Yeah, just retire man. Alberto is 40 years old and he’s already done everything anyone would ever want to do in wrestling. Conquered Mexico, was a star in WWE, won multiple world titles and left on his own terms a rich man. Either he has gambling debts or he just wants to get away from his terrible family and hit the road.
It’s Wrestling with Friends only as a chat show and not a shoot. His guest is Zack Gibson, who’s still upset that he foot was under the rope when Rey Mysterio pinned him.
Flash might as well not be out here because Gibson just comes out here and runs his mouth. He is a good promo and I’m happy 5 Star have selected him to be one of the biggest stars from the UK in their company. Gibson pulls out a bag with another 5 Star title in it. It’s the “Real Wrestling Championship”. It’s a Brits only title. “That is not a sanctioned 5 Star Championship belt” chimes in comms.
Gibson continues to rant until Eddie Ryan shows up. My problem with Eddie Ryan is he’s got a high pitched voice and a well trimmed beard. Gibson calls him “boring”, which is fairly accurate. Eddie challenges Gibson to a match for his newly invented title. It’s not even a real title! This whole segment went on too long. Eddie Ryan is not a good promo. A lot of British guys aren’t because they’ve not had experience in talking. Gibson just talks all the time, constantly, so he’s good.
Promo Time: Joey Axl
Joey is a colourful Australian grappler with a wild blonde mohawk. He says he’s beaten everyone (this is only a month into 5 Star, how can there be so many dominant wrestlers?) and that brings out BT Gunn. Axl lays him out. That’s the segment. Considering how few wrestlers they had available I don’t know why they didn’t just have them wrestle.
Crowd's getting a bit rowdy at this 5 Star show. pic.twitter.com/V749ejvlEK
— Arn @16 Carat (8-11 March) (@ArnoldFurious) March 5, 2018
“Real” 5 Star Championship, I guess
Zack Gibson (c) vs. Eddie Ryan
Joe Hendry rambles a tremendous amount here, going round in circles about the angle from tonight and by the time he’s finished talking everyone is that much dumber for having heard it. I award him zero points and may god have mercy on your soul. The crowd is completely out of it by this point, just waiting for the show to end. To be fair, I’d have gone home by this point. Gibson yells “they don’t care about you”, which is the crux of the problem. The idea was the have Eddie Ryan as 5 Star’s ‘guy’ because he didn’t wrestle anywhere else with any kind of buzz. Chaos, 4FW, Pride. Nowhere that screams ‘buzzworthy’. It’s not a bad match but it’s heatless and shows a major issue for 5 Star. They don’t have talent of their own. Just talent that is famous for being famous somewhere else. Gibson does a decent job of carrying the heat although Eddie doesn’t have the kind of crowd support they were hoping for. Lambert makes irritating Beatles references. While the wrestling is fine it’s the arena that kills it. It’s too big. Why are they running these massive buildings? They’re selling a decent number of tickets for a start-up but run somewhere smaller and it’ll look better. Running a massive empty building doesn’t impress anyone. Eddie Ryan wins the title, in Zack’s first defence, having proclaimed himself champion earlier. Well, that’s dumb. I guess it sends the fans home happy…if they cared about Ryan in any way, shape or form. Match was fine but the dead crowd killed all interest in it.
Final Rating: **3/4
Post Match: A cavalcade of dipshittery as Sterling and Maxted run down and beat up both men, only for Bram to jump the rail and introduce a new trio.
This is a wholly appropriate image to end the show on.
Holy shit, this was bad. I thought I’d drop in and see how good, or not, 5 Star was but this was shockingly bad. Everything is wrong. Literally everything. The buildings they’re running are too big. The entrances are uninspiring. The talent seem mismatched. Nobody gives a fuck. There are production issues all over the place. Commentary is bad. It’s disorganised. Now they have Bram too. It’s like they’re cataloguing reasons for everyone to not watch. Worst wrestling promotion in the UK right now. Best ignored until it goes away.